The SLUSHPILE Blog

Example 1:

After pounding his hands on the steering wheel, John stared through the windshield. If only he had taken the time to get the spare tire patched, if only he hadn’t hit that piece of wood on the road. Now he was late for his meeting. He crawled out of the front seat of the car and went around to the trunk, but he knew what he would find before he even opened it. Yes, he had a spare tire, but it was no better than the newly flattened tire on the rear of the car.

How could he have been so stupid as to walk out of the house without his cell phone? Now, not only was he late for his meeting, he couldn’t even call and tell them why he was late and reschedule. He was just a no-show, the worst of all tardies. This meeting was very important to him, and he had sprang out of bed that morning before the alarm had even gone off in anticipation of it. He had showered quickly, shaved even more quickly, nicking himself in the process. That should have been his first clue, he mused as he instinctively felt the offending cut and found to his dismay he still had toilet paper wadded on it.

Example 2:

John was having a bad day. He sprang out of bed early that morning in anticipation to his long awaited meeting, even before the alarm went off. He forewent breakfast, thinking he would catch something on the way, and showered and shaved quickly. He nicked himself in the process and dabbed irately at the blood spot blooming on his cheek. He made a mental note to remember to remove the toilet paper he pasted there. It would never do to show up at the meeting with a red and white wad of t.p. stuck to his face.

He dressed, jumped in the car and hurried out onto the main road and joined the stream of non-stop flowing traffic. “C’mon, lets move it, move it,” he muttered as a barrage of brake lights flashed on ahead of him. He swerved around the end car and went up the outer lane. Too late he saw the cause of everyone’s slowing: a large chunk of wood snapped off some trucker’s load lying in the middle of the road. He swerved as much as he dared in the bumper to bumper traffic but couldn’t avoid the hazard entirely. He felt the thud of his rear wheel as it hit then ran over the blockage. The ‘thuck-thuck-thuck’ sound of a flat tire came immediately after.

John pulled over to the side of the road, but he already knew he had never had the spare tire patched from the last time he had a road-side emergency. He banged his hands on the steering wheel and stared out the windshield for a moment. Then he climbed out of the car and went to the trunk. It was as he had expected. The spare was flat and there had been no miraculous repair of it without his knowledge. He caught site of himself in the side mirror of the car and saw that the toilet paper from his razor incident still remained on his face. He wiped the offending toilet tissue away with self-disgust and reached for his cell phone in his jacket pocket only to come out empty handed. He’d left the house without it.

He wasn’t going to make his meeting. Worse, he couldn’t even call. He would be labeled a no show, the worst designation possible.

The two examples above are my quick renderings of the difference between writing ’straight forward’ (example 2) and not writing straight forward (example 1). The information provided is nearly identical. Example 2 has more detail because writing straight forward, step by step has the quality of forcing you to think each step through and to assign sounds, smells, textures, tastes and/or visuals. It forces you to envision the scene clearly in your mind in order to put it on the page.

That is not to say that we need every detail, we don’t. I didn’t go into detail as to what John was wearing, what type of car he was driving, what his home looked like, or even what his meeting is about. Much of this can be guessed at or is inferred. What is also inferred is that John’s bad day is going to have lasting consequences.

Most importantly, the second example has all the events in order, as they happen. There is no starting in the middle and backtracking to find out what went on before and how John got to where he is. It is easier for the reader to follow, and it has a clear arc even for just a few paragraphs. Event builds on event builds on event to the climax: John is not going to make his meeting.

In Example 1, the words ‘This meeting was very important to him’ are written down. As a writer, I found it necessary to tell you the reader that the meeting is important. That should be my first clue that I’m not writing adequately.

In Example 2, I never write those words, and yet, as a reader, you probably had a sense that the meeting was important to John. Very important. And you probably had a greater sense of urgency coming from John than you did in the first example. All without me telling you. In example 2, I, as the writer, was invisible. In example 1, I’m all over the place and as a reader you probably never connected with John even a little bit because I’m there in the middle, telling you John is stupid for forgetting his cell phone (did anyone believe that John was thinking that? It’s supposed to be John thinking that, but it sure doesn’t feel like John thinking that. It just feels like the writer thinking that).

Did I suddenly become more connected to John in the second example? No. Of course not. I only met him a few minutes earlier when I sat down to write these two quick examples. What I did become more connected with was the Story (Rule #2: the story always rules) by starting at the Beginning and writing Straight Forward and forcing myself to Visualize each step in the scene. By the end of the second example, I am feeling more connected to John. By visualizing the scene and allowing him to move about in it, he suddenly begins taking on character. I now have the feeling that John is going to do something with his conclusion that he is late for his meeting. Maybe something heroic. Maybe something foolish. Maybe something life-changing for him. Yes, I’m pretty certain that it is going to be something life-changing. I have no idea what, at this point, but if I pursued it, I’m quite certain that John would surprise me with whatever it is he is going to do.

I certainly don’t get that sense in Example 1. What I get a sense of is that the writer has no idea what John is going to do next, but that also JOHN has no idea what he is going to do next. The scene ended, and John ended with it.

Write straight forward. It aids the creative process, it’s easier for the reader to follow, it makes ‘telling’ unnecessary. There is a time and a place for flashbacks, but they should be used sparingly. They are always, always an interruption to the flow of the story when the reader is forced to re-orient themselves in terms of time, place and even characters. Use them ONLY when necessary and only when you have a great deal of skill and can make it work.